I had an interesting query last week. The potential client is a creative writing graduate.
Granted, she said she had never written a children's story, but the mistakes throughout the draft were amateurish in any genre.
8 PROBLEMS I FOUND
1. The story was too long.
The author was inspired and wrote the story for her baby (under a year). But it was close to 2000 words.
As she was going for a 32-page picture book for young children, that word would need to be cut to well under 800 words.
This means there would be a lot of cutting.
For example:
Word choices: He stopped moving. vs. He stopped. He nodded his head. vs. He nodded. He shrugged his shoulders. vs. He shrugged.
Sentences that don’t move the story forward should be cut.
Descriptions that the illustrations can show should be cut.
Repetitiveness should be eliminated.
2. There was no discernible protagonist.
When writing for children, simplicity and clarity are essential.
There needs to be a protagonist’s point of view. The young reader needs to know who is telling the story.
This allows the reader to connect with the character, be engaged, and helps keep the reader reading - turning those pages.
3. The story started, “One day.” And the entire first page was telling.
If the reader isn’t hooked immediately, he’ll likely close the book.
It’s important to grab the reader with action and dialogue, especially in the beginning.
4. There was an overabundance of adverbs, adjectives, etc.
Victor Appleton, the author of the original Tom Swift books, overused adverbs and unnecessary taglines to the point of becoming a joke among authors. This author followed the Tom Swift theme.
Examples:
- Shouted inquisitively
- Asked excitedly
- Shaking his head a little more excitedly at the thought of
- We desperately need your help
5. Many of the sentences lacked clarity.
As I can’t use the actual sentences, I got a couple of ideas for examples from Dominican University to show how clarity is important.
Example 1:
After opening the oven, it shut down.
This sentence could imply that the oven opened itself. Or, it simply doesn’t make sense.
Correction: After I opened the oven, it stopped working.
Example 2:
Joseph only practices soccer on Saturdays.
This could be interpreted to mean that Joseph does nothing else on Saturdays.
Correction: Joseph practices soccer on Saturdays.
Clarity rules, especially in children’s writing.
6. There were a lot of “ing” verbs.
Using “ing” verbs makes for passive sentences. Action verbs should be used in their place.
For example:
She was skipping. vs. She skipped.
He was jumping. vs. He jumped.
7. Run-on sentences.
Some of the sentences in the story had word counts of 46, 40, 37, and 30.
While it’s important to vary sentence lengths, young readers need things to be simple. This includes sentence structure. Keeping track of a 46-word sentence won’t cut it.
If you need to concentrate or even pause a moment to get the meaning of the sentence, it’s too long. And your young reader will have even more trouble. Break the sentence into two or more sentences.
If you want a general sentence word count range, think 15-20.
8 Lackluster ending.
The ending in the draft had nothing to do with the journey.
Story endings wrap things up for the reader. It shows the culmination of the main character’s journey.
If the story is about Juan working hard, doubting himself, and working harder to be a good baseball player, maybe the ending has Juan hitting a home run with bases loaded. He runs to home plate with the crowd cheering.
Summing It Up
Writing for children may look simple on the surface, but it takes skill and an understanding of how young readers think and process stories. Every word matters. Every sentence matters. And every scene should move the story forward.
The good news? The problems I found are all fixable.
Strong children’s stories are shaped through, firstly, knowing the basics of writing for children. Then, through revision, cutting (if necessary), refining, and polishing until the story feels effortless to the young reader.
I’m a working children’s writer, editor, and self-publishing specialist. I help turn your idea, outline, or manuscript into a book you’ll be proud to call your own—and provide hands-on guidance through every step of the self-publishing process.
