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Writing Your Character’s Internal Thoughts

Posted on by Karen Cioffi
According to Masterclass, internal dialogue “can provide deep insight into a character’s thoughts, fear, self-esteem, and general point of view and opinions.” (1)

This allows the reader to get inside the main character’s head. This, in turn, makes the protagonist’s internal thoughts powerful. It helps create a deeper connection between the reader and the main character.

Internalization is called by a number of names, including internal thoughts, internal dialogue, and internal monologue.

This writing tool is revealing and personal.

The main character, as with any of us, will not say everything he thinks. It might be too embarrassing, offend someone, or leave the main character vulnerable. Whatever the reason, some things just aren’t spoken out loud.

An example of this is from the first paragraph in the first chapter of my fantasy adventure chapter book Walking Through Walls:

[Wang bound the last bunch of wheat stalks as the sun beat down on the field. Sweat poured from the back of his neck drenching the cotton shirt he wore. I hate doing this work. He hurled the bundles on a cart. “Father, the bales are stacked. I am going home; it is too hot.”]

Granted, today, a twelve-year-old boy might very well tell his parent he hates doing something, but this story is set in 16th-century China. Wang would never tell his father he hated working the fields.

So, the internal thought brings the reader into Wang’s POV.

As internal thoughts are such a powerful writing tool, how do you let the reader know that what’s written is the main character's inner thoughts?

[I apologize for having the examples above and below in brackets. WordPress Gutenberg is a pain to work with.]

Quotation Marks

I’ve seen drafts from clients who have internal thoughts in quotation marks.

The above example would read: “I hate doing this work.”

I don’t like this way of writing internal thoughts, especially for children. It’s not clear. The reader could think Wang is talking out loud to himself, or in this context, to his father.

When writing for children, it’s essential to write with clarity. Everything should be easily understood, so it’s best to use quotation marks only for spoken dialogue. This strategy will help keep things clear for the reader.

To keep things simple, I won't use quotation marks for internal thoughts in this article.

Italics With Tags

If I used a tag in the excerpt above, it would have read: I hate doing this work, he thought.

But when it’s easy to understand who’s having the thoughts, a tag isn’t needed; that's why I didn't use it.

If there is any questions about who is talking, tags should be used.

Italics Without Tags

If you're sure the reader knows who is talking, tags are not needed.

Not Italicized Without Tags

This style of writing thoughts is not my cup of tea either. It breaks the flow and can be confusing, especially for children. If using third-person POV, it goes from the narrator to the main character’s internal thoughts with no clear indication.

In this case, the except example above would read:

[Sweat poured from the back of his neck drenching the cotton shirt he wore. I hate doing this work. He hurled the bundles on a cart. “Father, the bales are stacked.”]

It jumps from the narrator to the main character’s internal thoughts and then back to narration.

Not Italicized With Tags

This is another style I don’t like. Taking the excerpt from above but using this writing style, it might be clear that it’s the character's internal thoughts because of the tag, but if the main character continues his thoughts after the tag, it could become confusing and make the reader pause.

[Sweat poured from the back of his neck, drenching the cotton shirt he wore. I hate doing this work, he thought. He hurled the bundles on a cart. I’d better tell my father I’m done. He yelled across the rows of wheat. “Father, the bales are stacked."]

I prefer internal thoughts italicized with or without tags, depending on the context. Simplicity rules when it comes to writing for children.

Sources:
(1) https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-write-internal-dialogue

jamigold.com/2020/03/character-internalization-to-italicize-or-not-to-italicize/

http://blog.janicehardy.com/2011/06/thinking-to-myself-internalization-101.html
I’m a working children’s ghostwriter, rewriter, and coach. I can help turn your story into a book you’ll be proud to be the author of, one that’s publishable and marketable.

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2 thoughts on “Writing Your Character’s Internal Thoughts”

  1. Pingback: Writing and Point of View: 2 Must-Know Elements | Writing for Children with Karen Cioffi
  2. Pingback: Writing Your Character’s Reactions to a Threat | Writing for Children with Karen Cioffi

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